Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
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Light as a feather, smorg as a board
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?