BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
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Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.