ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
You Might Also Like
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.