@DropDeadJud

Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.

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@C00LpenNAME

[at Home Depot]

Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye

Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?

Me: our dog died

Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…

Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody

@BuckyIsotope

HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911

@OBiiieeee

I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.

Back to having zero haters, feels good.

@ericsshadow

Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”

@SirEviscerate

*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.

@DannyDutch

There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.

@david8hughes

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?