Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
You Might Also Like
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Bruh PLEASE
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.