Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
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me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.