You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
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I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
is frankincense just very honest incense?
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what