date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
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If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.