My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
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*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
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If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
When the stylist spins you back around
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The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
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Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.