I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
You Might Also Like
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
My new favorite headline
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏