Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
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Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Terribly Tuesday.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
“The Perfect Relationship”
What kind of a cult is this?
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.