I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
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Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Not all heroes wear capes.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.