“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
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Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
This bar smells like my childhood.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Rich people don’t understand cereal
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
HELP 😭
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior