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me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
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Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
when the buffet is more honest than your date
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Still cracks me up
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable