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Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
#CoronaOutbreak
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.