As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
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Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
🤣😂🤣
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”