If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
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I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
*sewing*
A thread
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*