I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

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*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it


Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*


[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna


Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming


Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.


“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”

“We’re still married, Grandma.”

“She’s such a lovely girl.”


So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:


Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.


*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car


TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent