I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
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mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
So creative 😂
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.