FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
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Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”