If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
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I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.