Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
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If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.