Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
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They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.