Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
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joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend