[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
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5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
back to work
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.