my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
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I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
gentlemen, hear me out
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.