The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
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[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
my dad has had enough
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Favourite diary entry ever
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you