KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
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New comic up. “Ransom”
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
never deleting this app.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*