@SharkJelly

*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*

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@SamSkinnerKC

Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.

@TheMotiWeighted

Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT

@KentWGraham

After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.

@Parkerlawyer

Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.

@IfIwassomething

Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.

@saladinahmed

hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions

for hours maybe

@donni

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*

@XplodingUnicorn

My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.

Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.

@HomeProbably

If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.