*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
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how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg