I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
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I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
We’re all getting idioter.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Breaking news:
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
i dont have time for this
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80