The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
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*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.