@InternetHippo

[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl

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@Tmoney68

They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.

@volthetime

If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’

I am not telling the truth.

@chrisdowning

[working in a nail salon]

Me: How short would you like me to bite them?

@mkpaulsen

I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.

@Laser_Cat

I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.

@Holy_Mowgli

DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him

THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that

DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand

@sixfootcandy

Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.

@thepaulasuzanne

Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?

@iwearaonesie

wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!

wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home