[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
You Might Also Like
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall