[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
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The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
⚠️ Important Reminder:
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.