Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
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What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
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Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
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Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways