Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
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Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Do not levitate over flowers
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“