Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
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“Sheer Arrogance”
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Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
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As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
smart people are like huskies
if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?