smart people are like huskies
if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem
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When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
i- i did not expect this
This line from Airplane.
For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere
– my 5yo, unprompted
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–
–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
knights of the ikea table
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.