This line from Airplane.
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*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
there’s probably a fee though
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic