for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
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There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
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Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
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o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Has science gone too far?
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Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
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Him: …
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Him: …
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