Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
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Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
inventing words: clothing
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Favourite diary entry ever
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.