“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
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I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.