reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
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Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
He-man has a Masters degree
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
My neck, my back, my…
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.