reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
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Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
saving face 👀
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.