When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
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take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit