My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
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GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂