I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
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I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.