[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
You Might Also Like
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.