It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
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Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Wait for it