Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
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[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Stop sending me this shit.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
“our sushi is very fresh”
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Hmmmmm
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”