I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
You Might Also Like
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
This guy gets it.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Good morning y’all ☀️
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*