Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
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Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Knock Knock
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.