Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
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How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
he was correct
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.