“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
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ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
I bet
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.