I bet
You Might Also Like
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*